Someone to talk to

It is strange, everyone I know, including a lot of people in Iceland and people from work, as well as family and friends, I am facebook friends with all of them, 400 and some-odd people, almost all of whom I have met and know personally.  But I don't want to put today's news on facebook, because I don't want all the empty platitudes and expressions of concern. So instead I will put it here in my blog, no one I know reads my blog. The statistics show 20-30 people see the posts, but as far as I know, except the occasional pop-in by my dad, none of my friends or family read my blog. It is only strangers, nice strangers maybe, strangers looking for information about Iceland or something interesting about the United States, and instead get my increasingly myopic and uninteresting observations, complaints, and diary-esque entries.

Still here seems to be a good anonymous place to say that around noon today I got a call from my dad, he was at the hospital with my mom. They were running tests on her heart and on her brain, she is OK but seems to have had a small stroke this morning. She's mostly recovered but is staying in the hospital overnight for observation. I am terribly sad and scared about it, and I have no one really to talk to about it. Sent a few texts to my sister and niece, some facebook messages to my brother and sister-in-law, replied to one work email from my lawyer with a short reference to the day's incident, but other than talking to my mom and dad a bit today, the only person I really talked to about how scary and sad this is was my son's father, ie, my ex-husband.

Well he is my second ex-husband. My first ex-husband is Mr. Ward, and I was remembering today that when he and I got married, when I was 21 I guess, our wedding song was Someone to Talk To by the Devlins. I thought the song was a bit boring then, and listening to it again now I still think it is a boring repetitive song. Plus it was silly at 21 to say "it took me so long to find myself someone to talk to". But now at 43, I think it would be more legitimate. Isn't that what we want, someone to talk to that actually understands what we mean without us having to explain and explain and then explain some more? At least that is what I want, I want the feeling that even with just a sentence or two, I am well enough known, well-enough understood, that the range of complex thoughts and feelings going through my mind are comprehended. That is probably a ridiculous desire, but I swear I see people like that, couples and best friends, people who with just a look or a short statement seem to fully understand what the other person means.

Today, my dad knew something was wrong because my mom didn't answer him, when he made a comment about what he was hearing on the news. Normally, she always replies, someway or another, to let him know she heard him. And when she didn't answer, he knew something was wrong.

I put something controversial on facebook the other day about Edward Snowden, I didn't get much of a response to it except a few likes, oh and my lawyer telling me I misquoted him. No one on facebook wanted to actually engage the subject matter. There are braver people out here in the bloggosphere, I like to believe. But then I put the safe emotional stuff here for some reason.

The funny thing is I like debates, I like arguments, I like people to disagree with me and tell me I am wrong and I like people who agree with me on the weird things I think no one will agree with me about. That is not happening on facebook, that is not happening here on my blog, but that's exactly what my mom and dad have. The two of them wrapped up in every word the other one says.


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